How to set boundaries as a parent - from visitors to unsolicited advice
- BBC
- May 28
- 6 min read
Being a new parent can feel like a lonely experience. So, when our friends and family find ways to help us - offering advice, popping round with a bit of shopping, or simply lending an ear – it can relieve some of the pressure and remind us that we’re not in this alone after all.
But what about those times when their support becomes unhelpful? Is there a way to have difficult conversations and set healthy boundaries without hurting their feelings?
Dee Holmes, Clinical Services Manager at Relate – an organisation that provides relationship support in England and Wales – has some advice for parents who might feel overwhelmed by visits or advice from friends and family members, but want to preserve and protect those relationships.
Why are boundaries so important?
According to Dee, the reason why boundaries feel so crucial to a young family comes down to the desire to keep some sort of routine.
“Babies are a bit of a whirlwind when they arrive in your world. You can't have a routine from the beginning. But, I think once parents start to see signs of a routine, they want to cling on to those bits that are working: whether that's feeding times, or sleeping times.
“That's where, if people disrupt those boundaries - want to come round and see you, want you to go out and meet them – it might become a potential issue.”
Why can it be difficult to establish boundaries?
Giving yourself space, particularly away from loved ones, can feel like a daunting task and often leaves you with a sense of guilt - whether you’re dealing with an invitation from a friend, or a grandparent who wants to visit their little one.
Dee explains, “You're often thinking ‘I've been asked to do this, or this person wants to come and see me. But, actually I don't really want that to happen then, because it's going to mess up my plans.’
“'Oh, you can't get the baby to bed and come and meet us in the pub at 7:30?’ I think parents might often feel quite guilty that they're letting down friends that they used to do things with. I guess it is a time when some friendships ride that storm and you come out the other side, but some friendships do fall away at that time as you go down different paths.
“And especially when you're getting support from your family - they might be helping you with childcare - when you don't want them there, you can feel a bit bad that you're saying, ‘Well, I wanted you to come on Saturday when it helped me, but I don't want you to come on Sunday.’”
So, how do you say no, as a parent?
How do you tell a family member that they visit too often?
We all know that feeling, when we’re right in the middle of something and there’s a knock at the door – a delivery driver, a neighbour, or grandma or grandad just popping around for a cup of tea. As lovely as the latter might be, if these visits become too frequent you might be left quietly overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious.
It can be difficult to communicate these feelings to a well-meaning loved one, but Dee has some suggestions to buy yourself some time.
“You could say, ‘Oh, thank you so much for popping around. It's really nice to see you, but I’m just about to go out,’ or ‘I'm just about to have a sleep, because the baby's gone down,’ or, ‘I’m just about to catch up on the washing’. If it’s helpful, have some excuses ready."
However, in the long term, finding a way to be honest is the best solution.*
“Being able to say that you do appreciate them coming round and giving up their time for you, but also that you’re doing okay. That you’d like the time you spend together to be more positive, rather than them feeling like they need to pop in every day and help with the washing up.”
“I think if you've got an alternative that fits in with your routine, that can be quite useful – ‘How about you come for a cup of tea on Saturday?’ for example.
“Or trying to explain things from your point of view, so it doesn't sound blaming or rejecting. ‘I really appreciate that you're coming round and that you want to come and see your grandchildren and help us, however I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and that I need to try and get some time for a routine, just as a family unit.’”
How do you deal with unsolicited advice from the older generation?
Another boundary that family members might inadvertently cross is giving parental advice without being asked. Sounds pretty harmless? Of course, it’s almost always well-intentioned, but at worst can leave a new parent feeling patronised, inadequate, or pressured.
Dee, whose daughter has young children, shares her experience…
“I can certainly remember as a young mum that unsolicited advice and it's a natural thing that generations are always going to want to share. I had it from the generation above.
“[When this becomes too much], have a conversation reminding your parents what it was like for them and acknowledging that each generation has their knowledge and advice.
“Something that my daughter has done with me, which I think has been really helpful, is that she has explained that she thinks I was a good parent, that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time and that she wants to be as good a parent as she can be, but there's different information and knowledge around now.”
Whether it’s changing attitudes to sleep, dummies, or food, Dee says that, “Having those open conversations about what's different and what has changed is useful.”
And Dee shares some universal relationship advice – try to help the family member understand what it sounds like when you are simply trying to vent frustration or anxiety, as opposed to actively seeking advice.
“So, if I'm not actually saying, ‘What do you think I should do?’ or ‘How should I do this differently?’ then I’m probably not looking for advice - I'll let you know when I need that,” Dee explains.
And if there are debates with the older generation around a particular way of parenting your child, Dee suggests how you might manage a solution.
“Try to tap into how they might have felt as a young parent. If my daughter said to me, for instance, ‘Look, Mum, how would you feel if your mum had been saying this to you when I was a baby?’, that would pull me up quite sharply.”
How do you deal with unsolicited advice from friends?
Unsolicited advice can also come from outside of the family, often from other parents you meet at nursery, baby clubs, or from within your friendship groups. If it’s advice that you don’t need, is it always so easy to ignore or reject their opinion?
Dee thinks that, while it is common to be naturally drawn to people with similar views to you, creating a group where you all support each other in the choices you make, it’s inevitable that you will face contrary and unwelcome opinions.
If these comes from a close friend, or someone you see often, Dee explains how you could deflect the issue.
“Try to find a nice way of saying, ‘Thank you. That’s really interesting. I’ll think about that,’ or ‘I hadn’t thought of it that way,’ and try to just move on.”
Or, if you feel comfortable doing so, you could address the issue with the person sharing unsolicited advice…
“Every child is different. What works for one person doesn't work for another. If there was a one answer for how to get your baby to sleep, or , it would be great, wouldn't it?”
“Maybe have a conversation like, ‘What you're telling me is that you find that feeding your baby every four hours is a great way to get into a routine and I'm really pleased that that has worked for you. It's a shame that there isn't an absolute answer. Mine wants to be fed every two hours."
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